The Ego and The IGF
I won't mince words: I was expecting Stanley Parable to be a finalist in the 2013 Independent Games Festival. Certainly what I felt was more than a hopeful optimism. My reality was: I was going to be in the IGF.
But life for me hasn't been particularly real the last year or so. The first game I ever make becomes a wild success, I receive fan emails from all around the world, the game is taught in classrooms and shown in museums, I win a major award. I don't think this kind of success so early in one's career can breed the same humility and (fearful?) respect for the art as with someone who's been working at it for much longer. It's safe to say that by and large I've been living in a sort of success bubble.
And the result of that bubble is me thinking that Stanley is definitely going to make it into IGF. That, realistically, it will probably win an award, and everyone will know my game and love it, and it will be crowned "Best of 2013" and I'll be championed as a hero of advancing the medium of video games. Or whatever. Again, it is very very easy to slip into this mindset from time to time when the only thing you've ever released has been super successful. It's certainly fun, but I can safely say it isn't reality.
I know that because today reality took me aside and said "Hey Davey, look: you have a lot of work left to do. No one owes you anything, and even when you get some external validation like an award, that shit's all subjective. No one on this planet ever really knows how anything will ever go."
And I'm starting to think the best thing that could have happened is for Stanley not to be nominated.
I was operating from a mindset of pleasing people, of getting on so-and-so's Best Of list, or making it into this or that festival. Imagine if I'd gone another year (or 5) with that kind of ego, what if I'd changed my game because I thought it needed to meet someone else's standard, what if I released it before it was ready because I thought players wanted it now, what if I took on a new project that didn't make me happy because I thought it's what "fans" would want. I'm glad I got this needle to the ego bubble, I needed some deflating. And let me tell you, I feel a thousand times better. It's stressful constantly worrying about what people will think of you!
It's strange to say this now, since yesterday I thought if I didn't get nominated my world would collapse. But today I feel pretty good. I'm making a game that I love, I've got so many developer friends with whom every moment I spend is magical, and who are making games that I adore, I'm still going to conferences, I'm speaking at GDC, and holy shit I'm young! That's a pretty awesome place to be! If I'd been nominated I might have gone on to stressing about whether or not I'll win rather than getting this reality check.
Yeah, I'm thinking this is the best thing that could have happened. Today has been a pretty fantastic day.
I have to admit: one reason I was hoping Stanley Parable would be nominated was to get the chance to meet you in person at GDC.
Oh I’ll still be there! I’m speaking, in fact! Definitely come by and say hi.
http://schedule.gdconf.com/session/14385708/Lessons_in_Creativity_Learned_from_The_Stanley_Parable
Will this be recorded and available to anyone?
Maybe it’s just me but I can’t see why anyone would ever want to have fans. Having a loyal following of uncritical admirers is just the worst thing that could happen to a person creatively.
haha I TOTALLY understand what you mean. There are a few nice things about it though.
“what if I’d changed my game because I thought it needed to meet someone else’s standard” perfect some games today seem to lack even the minimum of standards, so push it, make this game an awesomeness of its kind.
“what if I released it before it was ready because I thought players wanted it now” take your time, this ramblings of yours tell us that you are at least working on it whit a good state of mind and that tell us the game regardless of when is gonna be a good game.
I’ll be honest, I was pretty sure Stanley Parable was at least going to get nominated for Narrative. I didn’t think it was going to win any categories, but I was pretty surprised it wasn’t nominated.
Do you think you would have felt the same sense of relief if your game was only nominated for a single category, but you didn’t win any awards?
Also, best of luck on your game. I hope all turns out well for you. You’ve had a hard dev cycle for sure.
The difference is that while I was unsure whether or not the game would win an award, I truly believed it would be nominated. Being nominated but not winning would probably not have had the profound reality-shattering moment that I described here.
This made me thing of this opinion piece by K’naan: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/12/09/opinion/sunday/knaan-on-censoring-himself-for-success.html?hp&_r=1&
At least you were honourably mentioned quite a few times!